From: Clarence Browne Subject: (FanFic) Weird Dream I Had.... PG (Some language/situations/humor) Date: Sunday, June 07, 1998 6:04 PM I've lurkedfor a while (I read the FAQ) and last night I had a weird dream.... This in and of itself isn't exactly major, but.... Well, you'll see.... (BTW, I never touch drugs BECAUSE this is how I think WITHOUT them...) Well, you'll see.... All characters are copyright their respective companies, and are used herein without profit or permission (Don't sue me, Time/Warner, okay?). Other characters (me, for instance) are copyright Clarence P. Browne Jr.... Proceed with caution.... Still here? Great, let's get this off my chest..... "The Discussion at the Bar" A fan-fiction/dream by Clarence P. Browne Hi. My name is Clarence P. Browne.... I'm a maintenance mechanic (handyman) at the Philadelphia Housing Authority, and a little psychotic. I smoke, have long hair, and am scary to children and other living things.... I stand 6'8", 250+ pounds, and am a Native American mixed with Czech, which gives me a "pale-faced injun" look. Every once in a while when the red-tape BS of my job gets a little tough, I go into a randomly chosen bar and toss down a few.... Usually, something weird happens and I stay away from bars for another few months because of it - this time proves no exception. It was a weird, miserable day at the 'office'.... We're presently 'between slips' which is what happens when the supervisors don't talk to each other and we wind up standing around all day waiting for enough crises to pile up so we can do something. Since I was in the 'real-world' construction game, these down-times are annoying as all get out.... After several days 'between slips' I decided enough angst had built up to force me into playing 'Tap-Room Roulette' and strolled over to a random bar... The place is a dive, which doesn't surprise me (I usually get dives with random picking)... Nor does their not having my favorite beer on tap surprise me (Only one bar ever did)... I settle for a frosted Bud and sit down to relax.... The jukebox is pretty good though (dive bars have the best jukes) and I play some Temptations (I'm the only guy I know under 30 that likes old music)... Well, "Ball of Confusion" was at the instrumental segue when these five weirdos walked in arguing with each other.... By weirdos I mean WEIRDOS; they were wearing costumes and stuff... In October, it wouldn't have gotten a second look, but this was June, so it probably meant trouble (dives are known for it)..... "I'm telling you, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" pronounced the first weirdo.... He was wearing gray and black and had a neat little bat on his chest. "You go through more changes than the Rockettes, and you still stay the same...! Red and Blue is ludicrous!" "Bite me," spat the second weirdo. "You're just mad 'cause they wrecked your city." This guy was in, well, red and blue.... He had a big 'S' on his chest, and a jaw that would make Jay Leno suggest plastic surgery.... He seemed to ooze wholesome - which is a rare quality in bar patrons - and turn it into an airborn virus.... I kinda felt, well, safe just having him there.... "Whose turn is it to buy?" asked this third weirdo in an orange and green suit with a hook for a hand. "Yours," said this tall chick in a bathing suit with a "W" on it and more stars on her than Old Glory... "Damn," said weirdo 3 as he fished in his pockets (pun?) and pulled out - I swear - three of the biggest gems I ever saw and plopped 'em on the bar.... "This should keep us swimming, right?" he asked the bartender. "Only if you don't expect change," he replied. "I left the chisels home this morning...." "Damn.... Okay, but I want an open bar tonight...." "For you, that'll be another couple of these," replied the bartender. "You drink like a...." "Don't!" warned Weirdo3 as he pulled out a few more gems.... "I'm not in the mood." "Anyone else in here?" asked Weirdo #5, who was wearing a white cape and had a big lightning bolt in the middle of his red-clad chest... He seemed 'almost' as wholesome as Weirdo2, though not from lack of trying. "Kirby, is anyone else here?" he asked the bartender.... "Just this weird looking guy.... He's playing the juke, but he seems okay.... Doesn't drink much, either," he sniffed. "He's played four songs on the same beer...." "Uh, one more, uh, Kirby....," I said, feeling uncomfortable at being singled out as a weirdo in THIS crowd. Maybe because I didn't have spandex on? Nah, neither did the bartender..... "Well, since its on me, I might as well know your name," said Weirdo3 sullenly. "Clarence," I replied. "Clarence P. Browne, anonymous cog in the machine of society...." "Glad to meetcha. I'm Aquaman...." "Hmmm.... Orange and green for Aquaman....," I mused. "I would've thought the guy in blue was Aquaman...." "Actually," he said, "I'm Superman." "I'm pretty good myself, dude," I replied. The other four weirdos moaned, and Superman just rolled his eyes as if he'd heard that one a thousand times. "I've only heard that one a thousand times," he complained. "Gimme a break, I make this up as I go," I shrugged.... "Well," said Aquaman, "to round out our little group, we have Wonder Woman...." "Hi," said the chick in the bathing suit. "Batman," continued Aquaman. "Hrmph," sniffed Batman. "I don't see why we have to adopt whomever's in the bar when we get here..." "Shaddap!" ordered Kirby. "With you mob as regulars, salt-of-the-earth types steer clear. I say he's welcome. Rare to see a guy his age that likes REAL music...." "Thanks, I think," I said. "I say so too," said Aquaman, "and I'm buying. Bitch when YOU pay...." "He does," whispered the chick to me. "For a guy with as much money as HE has, he's really stingy." "I'm not stingy!" retorted Batman. "I'm frugal." "I thought you were Batman," I toss in. THAT gets a couple of laughs from the mob.... "Very funny," he said icily. "I can see you on TV now.... 'Wiseass mysteriously falls off roof. Film at 11." "No menacing the customers!" shouts Kirby. "You wanna get flagged?" "Ahem....," cut in Aquaman. "And the guy in red is Shazam...." "Gesundheit," I say, feeling a roll coming on..... "That is SO not funny," Shazam says sadly. "I don't get ANY respect...." "Cry me a river," spits Batman. "Nobody likes you." "My mom does," said Shazam. "For twenty bucks, she'll like ANYBODY," retorted Batman. "You're mean," pouted Shazam. "If I may ask," I interjected, "what brings you folks out tonight?" "The usual," replied Superman. "The office does stuff that gets on our nerves, and after a while we come over to Kirby's and blow off steam." "That I can relate to...," I said. "But what sort of stuff does your office put you guys through?" "Marketing." they reply. "Marketing? What's so bad about that?" I ask. "Ever BEEN marketed?" asked Aquaman. "Uh, no....," I gulp. "It's not fun," he continued. "It's pretty demeaning, even...." "Yeah," said WonderWoman. "Sometimes they decide you're not popular enough, so they try to 'widen your appeal'." "Sounds painful," I sympathize. "But it usually backfires and you wind up even LESS popular," said Superman. "Even SCORNED." "The worst is usually when they make you do TV," says Shazam sorrowfully. "I still get chills when I remember 'Superhero High'." He even shuddered for effect... These guys were seeming a little less weird by the minute. The guys upstairs had put me through a wringer a few times, so I could relate to this mob. "Remember mine?" says WonderWoman. "That had to be the WORST." "Nope," said Batman. "Mine. Hands down." They all had a moment of silence over that. "But the THEME SONG," continued WonderWoman. "It was downright LEWD." She cleared her throat and sang a little, "WonderWoman! Get us out from under.... WonderWoman!" I laughed like hell. "What?" she demanded. "No offense, but if it was me....I'd stay." I chuckled. She blushed. "I still have you beat," sighed Batman. "Badda-badda-badda-ba-BATMAN......" "You're right," she replied. "But at least they tried to repair what they messed up...." "With Val Kilmer? With George Clooney? Sorry, kid, but I'm an even bigger joke than Shazam." "Hey!" said Shazam. "They don't mess me up TOO badly," said Superman. "The cartoon isn't so terrible..." "Don't get me STARTED on cartoons!" warned Batman. "Major catastrophies, EVERY ONE OF 'EM!" "Your show is pretty good, actually," said Aquaman. "I haven't been on a show since...." "DON'T!" begged Batman. "Super-Friends," finished Aquaman. "What a DOG that was!" "I ASKED you not to bring that up!" cried Batman aghast. "The guy they got to do me sounded so GAY! When he died, I swear I danced on his grave for two hours!" "He wasn't THAT bad....," offered Superman. "Bullshit! Even Casey Kasem's half-assed Robin sounded like he'd kick my ass, and he was SHAGGY! On SCOOBY-DOO! The horror of it all! They just build me up to knock me down! I wish they'd just dogged me and left me in obscurity like they did Shazam or Aquaman... Just let me find that fat bastard Adam West, and I'll 'Right, Old Chum' him into oblivion! For Chrissake, he made it look like Robin was the BRAINS of the Duo... I know all of the Robins, and with their brainpower you couldn't make TOAST." "Calm down, Batman," said Shazam with concern. "You'll have another seizure...." "Shaddap!" ordered Batman. "Kirby! Another round!" "Geeze," I say; trying to take it all in. "Oooooh!" said Aquaman. "Remember the 'kids' they gave us on 'Friends?" "Please stop," whimpered Batman. "SuperMarvin and Wendy? And that dog they had?" confirmed WonderWoman sadly. "Or do you mean the Wondertwins Zan and Jana and their Space-monkey Gleep?" "Both," winced Aquaman. "It made me wanna puke, and from a guy that's around fish all day, that's saying something!" "They gave me a whole high school of superheroes in training," reminded Shazam. "They gave you the S.H.I.T.s?" I asked incredulously. "That's hilarious!" "They figured out what they'd done about half-way through the season and pulled the plug.... Apparently some parents made the same connection and wrote in about it. I think they're waiting for everyone to forget about it before they start in on me again...." "I'm pretty sure that they'll leave me alone from now on," said Aquaman with his hook raised. "Kinda makes me glad they haven't figured out a way to make me mainstream again... No pun intended." "Well," said Superman, "at least the guys that played you aren't constantly victims of disaster.... I kinda feel responsible." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, let me see.... George Reeves shot himself to death...." "They must REALLY break his balls in Hell for that one," snorted Batman drily. "A-hem!" coughed Superman. "And Chris Reeve broke his neck horseback riding....." "Faster than a speeding lawn-dart," added Batman. "A-HEM!" coughed Superman, glaring at Batman. "It makes me worry for Nicholas Cage...." "Uh, okay...," said Aquaman as he patted the worried Superman on the shoulder. "Anyway, I think we were doing okay for a while, until we saw the latest affront...." "The latest affront?" I asked. "What was that....?" "Superhero Pasta Shapes from Chef Boyardee," said Shazam morosely. "We were completely taken off-guard by that one...." "Superhero PASTA? That's.... That's.....," I couldn't begin to fathom it... "Yes, kids," said Batman sourly. "Now you can EAT you favorite superhero... Hell, eat 'em ALL." "That's ghastly!" I said finally. "Why would they think to do that?" "Who knows?" they said in chorus, which was followed by a moment of silence. "Hey!" said Kirby. "Last call!" It was then that I woke up, and I REALLY love my job these days....... Afterword: Well, I thought it was weird enough to write down... To all the famous people living or dead mentioned herein, let me say: PLEASE DON'T SUE ME! As far as the rest of you go, let me know what you think of this little fic... I have lots of stuff floating around in my head that could be written down for your amusement, I just figured that I'd get the weird stuff off first and see what response I got.... Thanks for reading.... Clarence P. Browne. ICQ: 136776674. EMail: bigcbrowne@earthlink.com